1) Parent having [...]]]> As parents, it is helpful for us to be aware of the stressors in our childrens’  lives and do our best to assist them in eliminating the culprits. Here is a list of the top 10 causes of stress as reported by children/teens. This list comes from Harvard’s Mind/Body Medical Institute.

1) Parent having problems

2) Fight with a friend or sibling

3) Taking a test

4) Wondering if someone thinks you are attractive (teens especially)

5) Not having enough privacy

6) Birth of a sibling

7) Moving to a new school

8 ) Re/marriage of a parent or re/partnering of a parent

9) Not having enough money

10) A teacher who doesn’t like you

The list has many implications socially, culturally and more. Our children feel (deeply) what is happening to them and in the world around them.

According to Dr. Robert Brooks and Dr. Sam Goldstein, resilient children have high self-worth and they are hopeful. Their goals and expectations are realistic. They have developed the ability to problem solve and make decisions, which enables them to view mistakes and adversities as challenges to overcome rather than something to avoid. Resilient children, according to these doctors, feel special, loved and appreciated. http://www.raisingresilientkids.com/index.html

How do we help our children and those children with whom we come in contact on a regular basis, or any child for that matter, become more resilient? Here are the doctors’ ideas. For ease of dialog I have used child, but these methods apply to your teen as well.

1) Develop empathy. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. See the world from their viewpoint. Really try and feel whatever it is they are telling you they are feeling. Empathy is the ability to imagine oneself in another’s place and understand the other’s feelings, desires, ideas and actions. www.britannica.com

2) Communicate effectively. Become a superb listener. Actively listen to what your child is saying. Get down on their level. Literally. Whether that means getting down on the floor, your knees, or sitting on the bed so you are eyeball to eyeball with your teen. Try not to have judgment (takes practice!) and if you find you can’t say anything supportive, make affirming nods and sounds. Words like “Uh huh,” “I see,” “sounds hard,” “mmm hmm,” while you are looking at your child and actively engaged, can work wonders.

3) Change what you are doing. If you have nagged and done something repeatedly and it isn’t working then you have to stop and try something else. Einstein called doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results insanity! Many of us feel on edge when we tell our children for the third time to do “whatever.” Drs. Brooks and Goldstein call this step changing negative scripts. We need to change whatever is not working. When we change what we are doing, we teach our children that we are flexible and there are different ways to solve problems.

4) Loving our children in ways that make them feel special and appreciated. We are not the only ones who can love our children. This is great news! A basic tenant in building resiliency for our children is having other adults in our childrens’ lives who see the worth of our children. These are adults from whom our children draw strength and with whom our children can relate. They express loving acceptance of our children, sometimes merely by being with our children.

5) We accept our children for who they are and help them set realistic expectations and goals. Each of our children has a unique personality and temperament. We respond accordingly. However, this does not mean we do not set limits on behavior. When limits are set in an environment of loving support and acceptance, children will respond more readily to our requests.

6) Helping our children experience success by identifying their competencies. As a parent, promoting your child’s strengths will help that child develop competency and self-worth. This is what the Drs. refer to as an Island of Competency. Each child has areas of strengths and weaknesses. Focus on your child’s strengths, rather than directing any attention on the weaknesses. As we focus on our childrens’ strengths, we assist them in experiencing successes, thus reinforcing and developing their self-worth.

7) Helping children learn that mistakes are experiences from which to learn. How many of us had parents, who, when discovering we had made a mistake, pointed out that this was a great learning opportunity, and helped us to process that “mistake” in a non-judgmental and loving way? Parents can teach their children that mistakes are opportunities in life. It is best not to be over reactive. Ask what can be done about the mistake. Explore all the possibilities with the child. Ask the child to formulate a possible solution. Help the child brainstorm possible solutions. Brainstorming is a great exercise. No negative comments are allowed (a child can be very creative, a teen can be any number of things). Parents can help the child choose the most practical and mutually agreeable (fun, colorful, creative…) solution. The end result is to understand that mistakes are learning experiences.

8 ) Developing responsibility, compassion and social conscience by providing children with times to contribute. More than just creating responsibility through chores at home, children can be afforded other opportunities to become responsible. Children have a seemingly innate desire to help others. Involving them in food drives, donating time and energy in charitable causes fosters self-esteem and social conscience.

9) Teaching our children to become problem solvers and decision makers. When parents gently guide children in the process of becoming problem solvers and decision makers, children become more resilient. To do this, parents need to engage the child, without telling the child what to do. See #7 for ideas. With enough practice, when children learn to develop their own game plan with guidance form their parent, their skills are reinforced.

10) Discipline in a way that promotes self-discipline and self-worth. Know your childrens’ capabilities and do not push them to unrealistic goals. Promoting self-discipline and self-worth means we show our children we value them and so we are consistent and fair. We rely on natural, logical consequences rather than random, penalizing actions. For example, if our child chooses to not listen when we ask him to turn off the TV in order to get ready for bed, then a natural consequence would be that s/he chooses to lose the privilege of watching TV the next night. A random, punitive consequence might be to ground the child for the week, or to lose his allowance for a month, or no skate park for the week. None of these are related to the activity, they are too severe and they may be hard to reinforce when we realize we over reacted later, even though in the moment we were aggravated that Jr. was totally non-compliant for the third time that evening. Better to sit down and have a little talk with Jr. and find out what is going on. Which leads us to showing our child positive encouragement more than any other kind of discipline. This kind of interaction with our child fosters and develops self-worth. For a love based approach to discipline I suggest the book Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post. http://www.beyondconsequences.​com/

With these suggestions you are well on your way to assisting yourself, and caregivers of all kinds help children and teens have more tools for coping with stress. Less stress leads to happier, healthier, more resilient teens and children.

In these classes individuals will learn to: