1)  The foremost quality of a sensitive person is the emotional depth,  breadth,  and frequency of feelings.

2)  Emotionally sensitive people have enormous empathic ability. They really feel emotions deeply,  not only their own,  but
others as well. This can be problematic,  as they may not realize whether they are sensing someone else’s depression,  for example, or if it is their own. This empathic trait appears to be more acutely developed in emotionally sensitive people.

3)  Sensitive people can be easily hurt or upset. A perceived transgression or unkindness will be felt deeply for long periods of time.

4)  Because of feeling so deeply,  sensitive people tend to avoid conflict. They are typically not the ones seeking out a confrontation because the negativity which ensues is often too great for them to handle.

5)  Sensitive people,  even if they want to (and most often they do),  cannot easily forget a wrongdoing,  or switch gears immediately. They often need time to process and let the emotions subside.

6)  Sensitive people feel deeply for suffering,  and are greatly affected by any such emotion they witness. Many sensitive people avoid the news or sad movies,  books,  etc. because they cannot bear the emotions that would weigh them down. I often recommend no TV before bed,  and no TV news or reading of newspapers for these folks. I borrowed this prescription from Dr. Christiane Northrup (leading author and expert on women’s health and wellness),  who writes about our development as human beings. According to Dr. Northrup,  we developed as tribal or communal beings and as such are not wired to circulate the news of the world throughout our bodies. It is enough to be connected to one’s family,  one’s home,  one’s work or school,  and one’s community. These focus areas involve enough processing for most sensitive people.

7)  Many sensitive folks suffer from depression or anxiety due to the impact their sensitivities have on their emotions,  body,  mind,  and spirit. Other common psychological disorders may surface as well.

8)  Sensitive people can be easily over stimulated and overloaded. Chaotic environments,  loud noises,  and crowds are stimuli which can trigger a sensitive person. I ask my child clients about their school environment. Schools can feel loud,  and noisy,  and crowded to a sensitive child;  a setting which can be disturbing and lead to acting out (due to inability to focus),  withdrawal,  and poor overall functioning. However,  it is their unknown sensitivities which cause them to feel over stimulated,  or hyper aroused,  and prevent them from focusing. In some cases involving sensitive children,  these kiddos withdraw into themselves due to feeling different and unable to cope. Many of these children suffer from depression and/or anxiety.

9)  Sensitive people typically do not like their own sensitivities as it may often feel like a weakness. However,  admitting one is sensitive is an accomplishment,  because one can then seek the right kinds of treatment and find relief. Work on self acceptance is often key.

10) According to Kyra Mesich,  PsyD,  author of The Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide: An Alternative Health Answer to Emotional Sensitivity and Depression,  sensitive people are born sensitive. Based on my work,  I would agree. When asking parents about my child clients,  descriptions from infancy through all the developmental stages,  indicate their child’s sensitivity has been present since birth. My adult clients also agree that they have been sensitive for as long as they can remember.

11) On the positive side,  sensitive people deeply appreciate beauty. The arts are particularly loved by sensitive people because they can relate to the emotions depicted in a piece of music,  a painting or sculpture,  a poem,  a dance,  and in nature.

12) And positively speaking,  people enjoy a sensitive’s person ability to understand,  hear and relate to their own stories. People feel understood by someone with these keen empathic abilities.

If you find yourself or your loved one being described in the above bullets,  you are not alone. My work has shown me that sensitivity is far more common than we know:  men,  women and  children,  are all equally affected. If you need help understanding your unique sensitivities,  find a therapist experienced in this area. There are also books listed under Boundaries and Children in my Resources section to assist you on your journey of understanding and healing. Best of luck to you,  and please contact me if you need further assistance in this area.

• Anger comes from the primitive part of our brain where the freeze,  fight,  or flight reflex is stored. In our ancient past,  anger was a way we could prepare ourselves to defend and protect. For this it is still useful. However,  many of us are living with this reflex continually ready for action (when we don’t,  in most cases,  need it “on”),  and this stresses our body, depletes our adrenals, and ultimately drains us.
• Anger is a normal response to some things,  such as the aforementioned protection of self and others,  in response to being bullied or harassed,  or even humiliated. It is how you use that anger that must be assessed.
• Anger is also a learned behavior,  so it can be un-learned. Anger assessment is key.  To assess your own behavior,  ask yourself if your anger is costing you more than it is worth. Some areas commonly affected:
• relationships (threat of loss with family members,  friends, co-workers,  acquaintances),
• health (high blood pressure,  anxiety,  depression),
• safety -  compromised by increased risk taking (road rage,  fights requiring legal/police intervention),
• finances (loss of job or potential loss of job,  increased medical expenses to manage poor health)

People usually seek help when the consequences or costs of anger outweigh the behavior itself. Below are some helpful tips for managing your anger.

• Identify your triggers. This is big. When you know what triggers your anger you can take steps to eliminate or alleviate that particular trigger. For example,  taking less traveled roads as an alternative route to and from work can alleviate the tendency to get agitated at traffic and slower drivers. To avoid being rushed,  giving yourself ample time to get to and from your destination can create less likelihood of getting triggered in traffic as well.
• When triggers have been identified,  review your past. Take a six to twelve month timeline and see if you notice patterns. What triggered you? Where did you feel it in your body? Where were you? When did this happen –  in the morning,  during the day,  or at night? Who else was present/involved? All of these are key points which can help clarify your triggers. One client noticed he was most vulnerable at a specific location,  where his anxiety kicked in and he was hyper vigilant. This means his freeze,  fight or flight reflex was firing,  and his tendency was to fight. Once he could see the pattern,  he was much more open to eliminating that place as one he would even casually visit. The risk in his estimation was too great.
• Avoidance of a trigger is not always possible. When an issue is being avoided,  it will rear its ugly head at some point where avoidance will not be possible. So it can be better to find alternative solutions,  such as:
• Learn and use deep breathing techniques. In our culture,  we tend to breathe shallowly. This is also,  I believe due to our adrenals always being in the “on” position. Deep breathing immediately slows us down and relaxes us.
• Count. This really does work! Remove yourself from the area and count slowly to twenty or fifty. You decide what works best for you. For children have them count to ten,  s l o w l y. This allows our physical body to reassess,  and our mental state to calm.
• Give yourself time and space to release your anger. If you are having a disagreement with your partner,  for example,  and you feel yourself getting agitated,  tell him/her you need some time to decompress and agree on a time to discuss the issue within the next 24 hours. Then leave the area and do some breathing,  or reflecting,  or writing. This is an adult version of a time out,  which is highly useful.
• Listen to your favorite music. The calmer the better. Classical is always good. Although I have one client who listens to loud heavy metal,  and it does the trick for him. So see what works for you.
• Exercise! Instead of exploding with anger,  walk,  run,  take a tae bo,  or kickboxing class,  invest in a punching bag and hang it in your basement or garage. Another client working on his anger issues did pushups and sit ups whenever he felt the anger coming on.Then he began adding to his exercise regime,  and did so because he was enjoying this time. Towards the end of our work together,  he was confidently speaking of how “fit and toned” he was! The payoff is increased health and vitality instead of feeling depleted,  ashamed and remorseful about your angry behavior.

We not only affect our relationship with others,  we affect our relationship with ourselves. Most people with anger do not like this personal quality,  yet they often feel helpless to do anything about it. Anger is controllable, and it requires a commitment to change. Therefore,  I always recommend that my clients take care of themselves by being kind to themselves. This is not to be confused with self-indulgence. I am talking about owning one’s anger,  working on it,  and also learning how to foster self-care and self-soothing. Some things to ask here:

• What do I need in terms of physical care? Better more nourishing food? Eliminating caffeine and drinking more water? More sleep? Learning relaxation techniques or meditation? What type of movement/exercise do I like and can I incorporate it into my daily life? How can I ease the pace of life? Do I have pain that needs to be managed? What needs refreshing in my home environment: furniture,  paint color,  my bed?
• What do I need in terms of connectedness? Time alone with my partner? More time with family? More time with friends? A sense of belonging –  either through a regularly scheduled group activity,  sports,  hobbies, c ommunity interaction,  politics or creative groups? Time for myself?
• What do I need in terms of emotional balance? Scheduling time for enjoyable pursuits? Creating meaning in my life through goal setting,  service,  or a creative project? Creating boundaries and limits by saying no to things not wanted? Stress breaks at work? Passive and active relaxation? Learning? Being in nature?
• What do I need in terms of spiritual balance? Any of the suggestions above are ways to connect in a spiritual manner. You may desire to be a part of an organized group as a way of expressing your spirituality or you may desire more solitary pursuits,  such as being in nature,  meditating or praying.

I hope these ideas have been helpful. Please drop me a line and let me know what you do to manage strong emotions and help yourself keep balanced. If you or someone you care about needs anger management or conflict training,  please contact me here.

Classes in Anger Management now being offered for:

• adults  (ages 18 and older) on Tuesday evenings from 7:30-9 pm
• teens (ages 13-17) on Wednesdays from 6:30 to 8 pm

In these classes individuals will learn to:

• Manage anger more effectively
• Understand the costs of anger
• Apply practical tools to use in everyday life
• Walk away with a better understanding and renewed sense of self

Who is appropriate for this class?

• You, if anger is interfering with normal life functions
• Your spouse, partner, or significant other who has anger issues
• A teenager who demonstrates anger problems
• A couple who continually fight with anger
• Court referred individuals
• An employee whose anger is affecting his/her work or co-workers

Diana is a Certified Anger Management Instructor. Please call to register or for questions 303.485.7200 or type in the box below to submit questions here.

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